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Anu Vaidyanathan: How to lose a(n Intelligent Indian) guy in ten days
By Anu Vaidyanathan
10/18/2009 |
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My childhood friend and I were raised in similar homes where the importance of makeup, manuals on how to flirt with boys (while acing exams) and other nuances of finishing school were stressed.. We had a chance to sit down after fifteen years apart and I came to some brilliant conclusions after this chat. School-girl crushes are overrated as one grows older as the lane called marriage, prosperity and sett-al down beckons one, specially in India and even more specially if one is a woman. However, we did discuss this subject, having left all the male company at home, it was truly girls-night-out, and one must share all wisdom gleaned, so here goes.
1. Make sure you create a Facebook page where you invite everyone and their grandma to be on your fan list – this will ensure that you look more social than you really are and what better way to share scary photographs and brilliant one-line-insights into life, the rapacity of the number #10 and other deep thoughts?
2. If he is your client, which in all probability he will be simply because you really have no life outside of work, make sure you do what you do for all of your really intelligent clients, offer to do your best work, for a fraction of your already low professional fees, thereby continuing to be a fool who believes in the quality of the work than the quantity of the cha-ching said project will bring in.
3. Make sure that you continue to wish for a filter between your brain and your mouth (or your keyboard) while you tell him how much he reminds you of your really hardworking peers and best friends as hard-work is highly underrated in today’s world.
4. Make sure to constantly wish that he would start a conversation, failing which, you allow yourself to send him one really flirty (by your standards) message about you very boring life, Viktor Frankl, Cloud Computing and Google Wave every night, on INSTANT MESSAGING.
5. Make sure you think about him while riding around in auto-rickshaws and think about how he looks like the boy from the Pepsi ad who says “my pepsi, my way” or the boy on the Yahoo ad with spiked hair, and generally reminds you of the salt of this earth, undeniable.
6. Ask him out to group lunch with friends in a third city (the first one being where he lives, the second one being where you live and the third being where all your friends are meeting at Diwali), and when he does not respond to said SMS, make sure you start to wonder if it is really time for a fashion consultant.
7. Go out to dinner with your dad on the night you ask him out and then your childhood friend the night after, so that you are AWAY from your cell phone and don’t end up sending stalker-type SMS-es about “why have you not replied”?
8. When talking to your best friend, raise all the hints which make you sure that he likes you too:
a.The occasional praise about your photographs;
b.The occasional praise about your running plans that you will be mailing him FOR FREE because that is also part of your professional service;
c.The curiosity about your best friend and your business partner..
All three being very CONCRETE pieces of evidence that the man is totally into you… and this is definitely not a one-way street.
9. After having dinner, come home to make sure that you check your email, your cell phone, your Facebook page, your secret Twitter page (that the boy has no access to) and your two other e-mail accounts to make SURE that he has not tried to communicate in the few hours that you were separated from your wires, find him online and send another INSTANT MESSAGE wondering if he will see this (fifth one, after five days of one message a day) and when he does, delve into all sorts of original questions that only you ask about his favourite band, book, food, hangout etc., while trying to figure out if he has a jealous girlfriend, to which you also get no response.
10. When you figure out he is happily married with ten children or has a bombshell girlfriend who lives in NYC and knows what is means to “go clubbing”, make sure you have your tickets to the land of the long white cloud and your running shoes for your favorite 3 hour run through the woods, with the trees that will always love you, just the way you are.
Anu Vaidyanathan has a school-girl crush in between starting a new company, pretending to continue training in the "off" season, working 18 hours a day and submitting scholarly works for the last mile. |
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